I’ve fogged up my blog.
I am easily distracted and often times, share too much.
When God took me through the wearing of dresses and headcovering, I was better off keeping it to myself. Really, there was no reason to share it here, but its easy to get caught up in the “A week in modest dress” blog *festivities*, and want to participate with people who share the same convictions as you. So many of the “Adventures” God has taken me on are lonely ones, and I find myself wanting to find a village…a tribe…a group that I can relate to.
The problem there is that I’m missing the point. I dont need to seek other women, I need to seek companionship with Jesus. Sharing some of the convcitions and lessons here has only served to make my point(s) here fuzzy.
Because I have done this, I feel the need to clarify my thoughts on these matters.
I’ll start here:
I am a visual learner. God tends to teach me through visual, hands on experiences. It is not uncommon to get answers to prayer in my dreams…in visual form (obviously). So, here’s a semi-confession: God originally asked me to wear dresses several years ago. It was after I had done a lot of work in the local music scene, and had really sort of conformed to the dress and lifestyle of the industry. The bigger issue was my verbal modesty. I have a tendency to say too much, and I am often times not careful enough with the things I say. Wearing dresses served as a visual reminder of who I was supposed to be…and that I represent God in all that I do. I equated it to having a Jesus fish decal on your car. Driving like a jerk and flipping the bird to the guy who cut you off on the highway is contradictory to the Jesus decals and bumper stickers we often have on our vehicles, isn’t it? Perhaps having these symbols of faith on our cars helps hold us accountable? Maybe, maybe not. For me, it does. Its that whole visual learner thing I suppose.
I have NEVER said that I think dresses/skirts are the only biblical way for a Christian woman to dress. I have never said that it makes me a better Christian, or that its a sin to wear pants. On the contrary, I often find myself a bit jealous of the Christian women who dont need the harsh lessons that I seem to, lol! The headcovering was a simple extension on His lesson for me. It is not something I do all the time (notice I only posted 2 days of pics) but it is something that works well for me when I am struggling with submissiveness in general. I dont mean towards my husband necessarily, but just in general. Maybe thats the wrong word. I think its more about humility for me.
To further complicate matters, I have struggled with body dismorphia for over 15 years. The “adventure in modest dress” that I have taken with God has really helped me with some of that. It was a harsh lesson in what really matters. It was a detox for me, so to speak when appearances had become such an unhealthy aspect of my life. I dont think I’ll elaborate on this just yet. Its a very, very painful aspect of my life that I am still trying to figure out. I am, however, starting to see how God is helping me through it. Just know that when I say “dresses only” has been a helpful tool for me PERSONALLY, this is what I mean. I would never deliberately project the importance of dresses on anyone else deliberately. Perhaps my mistake here has been the simple seeking of what I thought were “like minded” women, when really, it wasnt ever about being like minded in the first place. It has always been about what God was trying to teach ME, not an overall movement of sorts. I am not trying to debate what the Bible says about what modest dress. I honestly have no desire to do that. I simply want to clarify what has been weighing so heavily on me since I received a comment last week in a modest dress post of mine.
I have been praying for clarity, trying to make sense of things. Here is what I know…and it is all I know for now. I’m human, I have major faults, and God is working on me. I also know that I will never be perfect, and sometimes vulnerability really stinks.
It’s that exact vulnerability that I am attempting to have here. I want to get back on track, and away from anything that will lead people to believe I am a believer of things I am not. There are many blogs out there that I have been affiliated with. Blogs that have things I pick and choose from, but dont completely agree with.
My goal is to expose who I am. Who “The Hopeful Housewife” really is, and why I do the things that I do.
Today, those things were wearing jeans while watching the Super Bowl. It included drinking Pepsi, eating delivery pizza, and baking brownies that were not made from sprouted, soaked flour.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll wear a jumper and mill some corn, but its possible that I’ll fix cold cereal for dinner too.
My point is, I’m trying. I love Nourishing Traditions. I also really love white bread and butter. I love to wear feminine, flowing dresses, but sometimes my Levi’s are the only thing I can bring myself to wear. Brewing Kombucha makes me incredibly happy, but I dont like the way it tastes. I drink it because I like the way it makes me feel, but saying I enjoy it would be a lie. I really do love serving my family, and do my best to do it well. I take great pleasure in it, and feel its my calling in life at this point…but there are days when I really want to run for the hills. I’m no Michelle Duggar, but I sure admire her. My goal every day is to walk out what God would have me do. I seek His guidance, wisdom, and companionship, but still fall short all the time.
I’m working on it folks. I really am. I have never said anything here that wasn’t true, but I think my true purpose w/this blog was really lost along the way. My desire for a group to fit into it overshadowed so much, and for that I apologize. I hope that my words are clear, but I am not confident that they are. It may take time for complete clarity here again, but I’ll find it.
Thanks for comin’ along on *this* Adventure with me.